Several times this week I have been faced with the uncomfortable truth that, despite years of diligently working on spiritual growth, a part of me cringes every time someone thinks that I am mistaken, wrong or have committed some grave error. Obviously, on a cognitive level, I know I am human; that I often make mistakes; that most of what i think is right is based on my limited experience much of which is subjective. Theoretically, I “should” be comfortable having someone else think I was wrong and not feel a need to justify my opinions or actions. Well! So much for theoretical! What I know and what I feel often are not even close to being the same.
Just the other day during a counseling or coaching session with a couple, one of them got angry and elected to end his participation in the conversation. Since that time he has refused to respond to my texts and emails. This results in daily internal replays of the conversation and what I “should” have done to prevent this from happening. It is perfectly appropriate for me to review sessions with clients or other conversations and to try to learn what works and what does not work in terms of my role as a friend or as a counselor. It is not logical to think that when one of us gets upset that one of us has to be right in our actions and one has to be wrong.
This duality, like many of the other dualities that we impose on our reality is STUPID! Naturally, I know that my experience is my experience and cannot be your experience. If I come to conclusion X and you come to conclusion Y it should not be a problem. Of course, if conclusion X requires that I hurt you, then there is a problem. You would much prefer that I not hurt you! Why in the world would I think that I need to hurt you? Usually, it would be because:
· You said something or did something, which I heard as disrespectful or discounting.
· I am fearful that what you said or implied about me is true and find it easier/safer to blame you rather than honestly looking at myself.
· I am fearful that you are going to do something, which is damaging to me in some way. For example, a 14-year-old young man was killed recently because he was to testify against someone in court.
· If others believe your opinion of me or what I think is your opinion of me than they will not love or respect me.
Mercy me! I certainly do have an active mind. I am again reminded of a conversation with a six year old about why we humans seem to think that we need to prove that we are right and the other person(s) is wrong.
Today, let’s call our six year old, Samantha who wants to be called Sam.
Sam: Mr. Jim, why is Johnny dad going to fight in Afghanistan?
Jim: Sam, Johnny’s dad is going to help the good people in Afghanistan fight the bad people there.
Sam: How do they know who the bad people are? I saw picture on the television and they all looked the same
Jim: The bad people want to kill the good people.
Sam: So if we are killing the bad people then the bad people think we are the bad people.
Jim: Sam, bad people always say that they are killing the bad people but only the good people are really killing the bad people.
Sam: So, each side is saying that they are the good people and they are killing the bad people?
Jim: Yes, but we know that we are the good people and they are the bad people. They started killing first. They supported people who killed all those people on 9/11. Remember when we took you and your brother to New York to see where the bad people had killed many good people there.
Sam: Someone in class said that we were doing bad things in other parts of the world before the bad people killed all those people
Jim: You cannot believe what everyone else says. You live in a country, which is always just trying to make the work more democratic. Do you remember when we talked about what democratic means?
Sam: Sort of. That is when everyone gets to vote and then the big people, like you and mom, decide anyway?
Jim: Well, it is different when some of the people are children. Mom and dad try to listen to your opinions but we know what is best and have to make the decisions.
Sam: Uh! Okay!
Jim: At any rate, often this wonderful country in which we live tries to make life better for everyone. Lots of countries only makes it better for a few people.
Sam: You mean like Sarah’s grandparents who have that big house and swimming pool. We should make it so that we all have big houses and swimming pools?
Jim: Well, that is not exactly what I meant. Everyone in this country can have a big house and a swimming pool if they work hard enough. But no, it is not about swimming pools and big houses. Some people in some countries do not have enough to eat while others have tons of food.
Sam: Oh. Like the people we saw when we went to help at Catholic Charities the other day? If we had a democracy they would not be hungry.
Jim: That is not the same. Obviously you are not old enough to understand about good people and bad people.
Sam: I am really trying to understand. Maybe the good people and the bad people could wear nametags like we do at church some times. Mommy said that Mrs. Jones is a nosy old bitty! She could have a bad person sign.
Jim: That would hurt her feelings and not be nice.
Sam: Could we just shoot her! We shoot bad people don’t we?
Jim: No. We only shoot bad people who are shooting at us.
Sam: Someone said that the boy in Baltimore was not shooting at the police.
Jim: Sometimes the police make a mistake.
Sam: So good people can be wrong?
Jim: Yes, good people can be wrong.
Sam: Bad people can be wrong?
Jim: Yes, both good and bad people can be wrong.
Sam: If good people and bad people can be wrong how do we know who the good people are?
Jim; I explained that to you earlier.
Sam: But I am really confused now.
Jim: When you are an adult you will understand. For now mom and dad will tell you who is good and who is bad.
Sam: Are you and mom every wrong?
Obviously, this conversation is not going the way I had planned. Often I start out thinking I know exactly what I am thinking and how I came to a certain conclusion and then I try to explain my position and find that I am unable to do so even to a six year old.
For me, the basic problem occurs when I decide I am “right” or need to be “right”. This means that someone else has to be wrong. Even with this six year old I had a difficult time admitting that I had been wrong. I blamed her for not being able to understand rather than just admitting that I had no idea what I was talking about.
Many years ago one of my spiritual teachers – actually several of my spiritual teachers – suggested that I practice letting go of thinking in terms of dualities such as right and wrong. Instead I was advise to make the best educated guess I could for that moment and honor the guess of others. Honoring the guess of others does not mean I stand there waiting for them to shoot me if that is what they think would be the right action for them. It does mean that I can identify with the felt need to be validated; with the fear which often underlies the strong feeling that you need to acknowledge that I am right.
Obviously, letting go of this duality is much more difficult than I thought it would be. I continue to notice myself getting into discussion or even arguments to justify my point of view. It is true that I am sometimes quicker to notice than I used to be, but I am nowhere near being able to quit thinking in these terms.
Even in that situation which seems relatively simple I seem to think in terms of being right rather than thinking such and such worked okay for me in this situation. For example, I put bleach in my while enamel kitchen sink, which seems to work well in keeping it stain free. Does this mean it will or needs to work for everyone? No. If it does work for others that is great, but I do not need to be credited with the one who came up with the “right” solution. It is simply good that it works for me and it may work for some others. It may that others have a solution, which works just as well. Being right would not add anything to my worth or subtract from the worth of another. That is the real point of being right. At some level it is related, once again, to my need to prove my self worth by being right and you being wrong. I have to be better than you in order to be worthwhile.
Perhaps if we were able to let go of the duality of right and wrong we could work together to search for goals and solutions, which honored many different belief system or many different possibilities.
When I grow up I will again attempt to have a conversation with the six year old!